The last time I betray myself.

He said, “Why would you believe your mom over your grandma?” and my whole body went still. Not confused, clear. Because I The Last Time I Betray Myself what he was doing. That wasn’t curiosity. That was a trap. A setup to make me question my memory again. But I didn’t take the bait. I had already brought his words into therapy last year. I wrote them down by hand while my hands were shaking. I gave them to my therapist like evidence. She remembered. She didn’t hesitate.

I have begged my entire life to be believed without having to bleed for it. She remembered. She confirmed it. And it wrecked me. Because my dad has NEVER validated me. And my mom never could. And I’ve spent decades walking around with open wounds while they polished their stories and smiled for the camera. I’m not saying I’ve been easy. I’m not. I’m intense. I’m reactive. I want real. And they only know how to do performance.

It’s never been about the money. It’s been about the string attached to it. I stayed quiet longer than I should have because the money kept me tethered to a fantasy. That maybe this time, he’d show up differently. That maybe the next envelope would come with love. But it never did. I took Brielle to her first concert,nosebleeds, paid for by my own healing, and sent him a photo. His response? “We saw Wicked. Front row.” I should’ve blocked him then. But I still wanted the lie to be true.

This is grief. Not just over what I lost, but over what never existed in the first place. And yeah, I’ve wanted to die this weekend. I’ve wanted to disappear just to make the ache stop. Because being the one who feels everything in a family that feels NOTHING is unbearable. But I’m still here. And every time I shatter, I surrender. That’s what this moment is. A surrender. Not to them, to ME.

My therapist remembered. That’s all I needed. Someone who didn’t benefit from my silence saw me and remembered. That’s more than I’ve ever gotten from my parents. I don’t need to prove it. I don’t need to defend it. I’m done asking for peace from people who keep handing me poison. This is the last time I betray myself to keep their story intact.